prayer in darkness

[triptych of a remaining presence]

I

be breath to me. when i have none left. be a gaze to me. when my sight is gone. be a shadow. on the wall of my heart. a remainder of light in the nearness where I vanished.

let me recall what I could not hold. let it rest a little longer by my waking side – not as image. but as warmth beneath the skin.

when pain comes. take me into its centre. do not let it circle me. like a beast around its prey. let it weep with me. let it grow tired.blet it sleep. and me with it.

II

and if i can no longer walk. then carry me. not far. only to the edge of remembrance. to that place where the air still carries his scent.

if i sink too deep. then lay me down. among the folds of the old day. in the valley. where the shadows sleep.

i have no more words. only sounds. that rattle within me. like glass in an abandoned house.

love – it is no promise. it is an imprint. in the damp soil of my inwardness. i step into it. and do not know if i shall ever find my way out again.

my body: an archive of the touched. my skin: an echo of his hand. my mouth: a sealed verse. refusing to let him go.

and if i die in this hour? then let it not be an escape. but an entrance into the room where he once more speaks my name.

III

there. where my speaking fails. let the word remain. out of which i unravel. and be to me a tone. no more than a breath. trembling at the edge of a line.

i wish to say. what cannot be said. let it shatter within me. into syllables of light.

no longer by my hand. do i inscribe the mark. but by the autumn of my breath.

i write down. what leaves me. i write on. what sustains me. here. in the voice. that becomes space. here. in the space. that becomes image.

beneath my forgetting. landscapes. distance. that never left me. as long as i wandered through them.

let them write me. as one who loved. one who asked. who stayed – in the breath of the word no one speaks. that nonetheless carries all things.

as i carry him. within me.